Portraits of a fat girl

I smiled. I smiled to the photographer with my fake smile. As usual, I was thinking about the fat that covered up my ribs, my hips, my collar bones, my everything. It hurt seeing the fat making me look like obesity had taken its hold on me. I wasn't overweight, so why did the fat seem too dominant?

These thoughts are always with me, through thick and thin. Through thin and thick. Unlike the years before, I wasn't dreaming this time. I was fat. Recovery had made me fat, what was meant to be soothing and good mentally and physically. It had made me fat. 

I'll lose weight for the portraits. 

Pro-Anorexia

I remember when I first found out about Pro-Anorexia, and I ended up checking it out, feeling guilty as never. Even though my Anorexia was at its most powerful back then, I never read through the commandments or tricks, nor did the Thinspiration fancy me much.

Now as I'm on my third relapse in four years, I start seeing Thinspiration as necessary. I read through commandments, tips and letters to Ana, just to see what successful anorexic I could be.

I understand the media when they criticize the new trend, but I can see that there ain't a solution named "reporting Pro-Anorexic web sites". That just worsen it. I'm not going to tell you how good these pages are, because I don't like the idea of it being triggering to non-anorexics. I'm afraid I don't see the way it destroys the anorexics lives. They are messed up from before, and Pro-Ana is, unlike many other societies, where anorexics feel less alone. There's not much focus on their state of mind, and Anorexia is rather seen as a lifestyle, not a disease in the real world as well as the Pro-Anorexia is. Anorexics do actually make up their mind, regardless of Pro-Ana, about whether it is an illness or a lifestyle choice.

I, though, understand the concerns about Anorexia online, and the encourage they're exposed to. 

Sized up

Mum and I decided to do some summer tidying, where I practically try on everything I have and find out what else I need to buy. Since I have been too scared to do this in years, I've got some jeans and tank tops too small, which triggers me to even admit. 

This is a major part in recovery. You have to expect a gain, a horrendous weight gain, which will leave you with clothes that'll trigger you if you don't throw them away. They'll be triggering either way, actually. Even when you're recovered, a weight gain will be dramatic. Most people think you'll be fine with this, and keep on moaning about you being too naive and ambitious.

We didn't actually throw my skinny jeans away. They were to meant to be "if you get sick", as Mum put it. Did she expect me to get sick? Because the only sickness I'll ever get will be an eating disorder. I guess that was trigger number one.

Then Mum said I needed a new bikini, which I honestly do. I'm scared to try one on, so right now I just want to lose a lot of weight to fit into my old bikini. My old jeans, too. Trigger number two.

Sizing up will always be a trigger to me. Recovered or relapsed. There'll always be a voice saying every size will be too high, especially when it comes to what'll got my wide hips. 

Introducing Lillian Morgan

In this world made of glossy pages and images, there are people getting affected by this, and lean on eating disorders to take them through emotional journeys where perfection never is reached. I'm unfortunately no exception, but I've chosen imperfection before perfection. I'll never be as the pretty, flawless models on the cover of the fashion magazines, and I'll never look like Miranda Kerr or Nichole Richie. Skinniness ain't synonyms to happiness or beauty: I became none of these things. Maybe because I was in a dark place, with Anorexia, but I did as 20% don't: I survived.

I was never diagnosed with Anorexia, but was self-diagnosed three years ago, because I needed to put a label on myself in order to fix my problems. 

So...I never became really skinny, even though I reached a critical point. I was as anorexic as the skinnier ones, but it's not that visible. I was as ill as every other anorexic, just that I didn't have 14 in BMI before I tried recovery. I had a BMI of 18. Being just 0,5 under the normal BMI range, did mean that I wasn't underweight, or sick, enough to enter a treatment center, and I was way too ambitious to destroy months of education. That way I was being put on self-recovery. Self-recovery works just for short periods, but without the professional help, you're back in Anorexia's arms before you know it.

I have relapsed several times, and never had a healthy relationship with food. I either binge and purge or restrict. Binging and purging were two major factors of my life until recently, when I ended up unable to purge anymore. Since binging had been such a huge part of my life, I ended up binging numerous times a day, either way, and I gained weight.

Then, I tried recovery once again, but I now don't see that I can make it anymore. Having a BMI of 22 scares me, as it is higher than it was when I first got Anorexia. I'm in other words relapsing.

Relapses are scary, because people know when you do. They know about your past, and if they see you acting like the past you, everyone you know is called up for emergency.